CIA test

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife."

The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door.

However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it."

The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

What's in a name?

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.”
“To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

A baby every 4 seconds

A couple is reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

New license

A deer hunter at a hunting camp bagged two deer, one more than the limit. He called his wife ask her to go to the local sporting goods store to get a hunting license in her name and bring it to the hunting camp.
While getting the license she took up conversation with a man who happened to be the Game Warden. "A wonderful thing happened to my husband...he shot two deer, and he wants me to bring this license up to his camp," she said.
"What say, Mam, that we go up there and we'll BOTH congratulate him," he replied.

Wife Wanted

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Hit the ceiling

“Your wife will hit the ceiling when you get home tonight,” said the barfly to his drinking buddy.
“Yeah,” said his buddy. “She’s a lousy shot!”

New boots

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.
He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat."

Ad

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

How do I look?

A large woman put on a dress and asked her husband if the dress made her look different.
Her husband said, " You’re asking the wrong person, I saw you before you put it on."

Justice

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Life on the other side

A man was sick and tired of going to work every daywhile his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create atrade in our bodies".

God, in His infinite wisdom,granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as awoman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fedthem breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them toschool, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank todraw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phonecompany and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned thecat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it wasalready 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, dothe laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop thekitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and gotinto an argument with them on the way home which hehad to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He setout cookies and milk and got the kids organised to dotheir homework, then set up the ironing board and wasable to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.

By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes andwashed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time foran early dinner.After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and althoughhis chores weren't finished for the day, he went tobed where he was expected to make love, which hemanaged to get through without complaining.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed andsaid :-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was sowrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home allday. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord,in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel youhave learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have towait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

I do

At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Giuseppe-Antonio to be your husband?”
The bride looking very confused said, “Father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank.”

Disagreement

A couple making plans for their vacation.
Wife: I am afraid the mountain air would disagree with me.
Husband: My Love, it wouldn’t dare!

What was that for?

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

I don't feel a thing

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said, "I feel okay turn it up a lot more," so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said, "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing," but the doctor warned them, "this much could kill you if your not prepared."

The husband replied, "I am ready," so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch.

Choices

About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him.
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. H
e says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?"
She looks at him and says, "yes".
He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail."
She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."
He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

Be careful what you wish for...

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

Respect

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

Lottery

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"

Coincidence

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!