Pay for your mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”

Lack of sleep

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Resume don'ts

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT PUT ON YOUR JOB RESUME.

1. Your high school class voted you "Most Likely to be Found on a Tower with a Rifle."

2. You have a degree as a dietitian from the Hannible Lecter School of Medicine.

3. ANY details about your job experience in continuity assurance and quality control at a hog breeding facility.

4. Any student organizations you belonged to that have the words Satan, Armageddon, or beastiality in their titles.

5. You were fired from your last job for committing an unnatural act with the entire sales department.

6. You were fired from your last job for making obscene telephone calls to Barney from a company phone.

7. You were fired from your last job for attempting a hostile takeover involving the 81st. Airborne.

8. You filed a discrimination suit against your last employer because of their policy against employees wearing crotchless business suits, and won.

9. You quit your last job after your boss rejected your suggestion for staging public floggings of late employees.

10. Your hobbies include taking massive quantities of hallucinogens and then working on your chainsaw collection.

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."

Next season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" Show?

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in a primary school classroom for 1 school year. Each businessperson will be provided with a copy of his/her school's curriculum and a class of 25 students.
Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, two who speak limited English. Three students will be labelled with severe behaviour problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organise or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, arrange parent/teacher interviews.
They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor students.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, attend swimming carnivals, sport carnivals and be available to participate in after school activities.
They must attend workshops, staff meetings and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to pass a basic literacy test. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, maths, science and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to co-operate, work or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.

The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it.
There will be no access to customers who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use the toilet as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job!

Office help

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

Sales technique

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”

Constructive Criticism

By Dr. Peter Honey

Praising is an essential tool to reinforce good behaviour but it is diminished in its effect without criticism. I like to think that whenever you criticize, both parties have the opportunity to learn – a good culture to adopt at work is one where learning is the name we give to our mistakes. Remember however, that it is the contrast between praise and criticism that makes them both so effective. If you spend all your time praising it will soon lose its potency to motivate and if you spend all your time criticizing you will quickly lose the respect of your colleagues or the love of your close ones.

Remember too not to mix praise and criticism in the same conversation – we have all experienced the lukewarm ‘praise’ beginning to a meeting with the boss quickly followed by the real purpose – a criticism. My own philosophy is that ‘everything before the ‘but’ at these meetings is instantly forgotten and that as a result both the praise and criticism are diminished.

The first problem most people have when being criticized is to become defensive and consequently learn very little. So what tactics should we employ to turn destructive criticism into constructive criticism? Dr. Peter Honey advises:

1. Always criticize the action not the person. This is more dispassionate and less accusatory. Never criticize the person, rather something they have done that doesn’t meet your approval.
2. Always give specifics and avoid sweeping generalizations. It is the examples and details that contains the ‘learning’.
3. Always give suggestions on what the person can do to improve. The solutions are the keys or building blocks of constructive criticism.
4. Always invite the other person to join you in thinking of ideas to improve. Don’t make it a monologue where you make all the suggestions.
5. Always be assertive in your criticism in an honest straightforward way. Avoid half truths, gossip and bringing in other people names.
6. Always criticize in private and never in front of others. Public criticism will humiliate the person and bystanders will often take sides – and it might not be yours!

Barber

A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That’s how you cut it last time"

Workplace survivor

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in a primary school classroom for 1 school year. Each businessperson will be provided with a copy of his/her school's curriculum and a class of 25 students. Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with ADD., one gifted child, two who speak limited English. Three students will be labelled with severe behaviour problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organise or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, arrange parent/teacher interviews. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor students.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, attend swimming carnivals, sport carnivals and be available to participate in after school activities. They must attend workshops, staff meetings and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to pass a basic literacy test. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, maths, science and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to co-operate, work or learn, the teacher will be held responsible. The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to customers who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use the toilet as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job!

Terrible day

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Sales technique

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers.

He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.

The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"

Economist

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the thing he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

Waiter!

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

"that’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

Mistaken Identity

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

Salary Package

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Albert Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Work Categories

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

Administratium (Ad)

(Apologies for posting a few in advance - I'll be a bit busy over the next few days.)

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".