Break out

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”
The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.
With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first – it looks as if it might be measles."

Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Pull over

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it right here."

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box."

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

Ssshhhhhh

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Day in court

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!

Stray penguin

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

Yes, Officer?

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Fishing

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “There's a storm coming - you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

Contacts

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

Drag racing

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun."

After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down."

The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?"

Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept.

"Car number 2, this is car number 1."

"Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?"

"Ten-four, Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."

Police exam

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

Help!

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 000, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

But, officer...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Speeding

A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”

The woman replied: "I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older."

A cocky state Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

How?

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Dishes

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

But officer...

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."