Parking

At a traffic court, the judge asked the motorist: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
The man said: “Well, there was a sign that said “fine for parking.”

Tracks

Two stupid people were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

Geography

I traveled almost all over the world
- Wow, you must know geography well.
- Oh yes I spent 2 months there..!

Escape

Three lunatics attempting to escape from a mental hospital; the first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same, meowing like a cat, and gets out, too. The third then passes near the guard and yell, “I’m a cat, too!”

Desert cooling

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert.

The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!"

Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated.

The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"

Motel

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

Sign

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

The smartest man in the world

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.
The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.
The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.
The pilot says to the punk, "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."
"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Dean and Jerry

Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.
Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot
of buffalo roaming the range.
Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.
Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.
Jerry: Heard what.
Dean: Herd of buffalo.
Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.
Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.
Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard, I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

Dig it

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Bike safety

Always wear a helmet when riding near a cliff so that your head is protected as you plummet hundreds of metres to the rocks below.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"