Steven Wright

Steven Wright, a famously erudite scientist and comic, once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some of his other gems:

1 – I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they seldom expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what is the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me: "I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence of having tried
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just do not have the film.
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?